Hair

While Abigail was in the hospital we decided to cut her hair. It was knotting up terribly in the back and looking more like dread locks than pretty hair. Neither of us liked combing through it. So, my sweet sister Cassie brought her hair cutting scissors up to the hospital and went to work. She even gave her a bath first. She was really happy to see her aunt.I can't believe how long it was! She has never had a real haircut since birth and it was getting really long. I had recently been able to do french braids with it. They were so cute! But, so was her cut. She looks like such a 'little chub' (an affectionate term in our family) with her bloated stomach & chipmunk cheeks from the steroids. Short hair just looks so cute on her. In many ways the haircut has been a blessing. Her hair is not as matted in the back and it seems to stay out of her eyes better. It is also much easier to wash. Last Thursday when I was giving her a bath I took out her elastic and then started to undo her braid. Hair came off into my hands. It was just a little, but I knew it was starting. We were told it would most likely come out in clumps but that is not how it is happening. It's just coming out one piece at a time all over her pillow, her shirt, the couch and us. I gave her a bath Tuesday and my mom found me sobbing over the tub. I would massage the shampoo into her head and then watch in horror as hair stuck to my hands when I pulled them away. I pulled a ball of hair out of the drain and then a small one from the pic that I used on her after the bath. Since then it has only gotten worse.

I don't know what it is about losing hair that makes it feel so final. She still has a "normal" look to her now. Sure, she just sits or lays, has a pale face with huge cheeks & stomach from the steroids, but normal-ish. But as the hair falls I keep thinking about how real it feels now that she is fighting cancer. The thought of seeing her bald just seems to take the "little girl" away somehow. There are no pigtails and ribbons, no bangs needing cut, no hair to fill with mud & spaghetti. Don't get me wrong, her Aunt Sally is on a campaign to make sure she has the cutest hats around in every color (thanks Emily too!) and some loving friends & family are knitting her hats as well. Its just hard for me. I love to do my girls' hair. It's like a source of pride that I take the time to make them look good--especially Abigail & Natasha. I think it is my way of telling the world that they are really loved and cared for. Isn't that so dumb? When I really think about it, it sounds shallow. But, it's how I feel.

Yet, right now when we are dealing with so much it is also somewhat of a relief that soon "there are no pigtails and ribbons, no bangs needing cut, no hair to fill with mud & spaghetti." Her head will be cold but she has been pulling out all barrettes & bows we have put in to keep hair out of her eyes. Of course, today they have come out with a chunk of hair attached.

I wonder how she will respond to seeing herself bald. I am really curious to see her reaction. She has been such a trooper. Smiling when she can even though we know how sick she must feel. Each of the side effects she is battling right now are "rare but not unheard of" according to the oncology nurse. But having them all is very rare. Like I have said many times before, we do rare in our family.

Here is our sweet little angel as she is sleeping next to me tonight:

I have this same Buddy Walk T-shirt and she was so funny when I wore it too. She kept smiling and pointing to me & then her. It is amazing how much I love her. There are just those moments that hit sometimes when words cannot explain how much you love someone. Tonight I am having one of those. I would never say that I was happy she has cancer but I can truly say that I have loved many of the learning moments it has brought. I have had a lot of mind numbing, girl holding, cartoon watching moments. I have also had some soul searching realizations and life lessons that I will never forget. It's amazing how you can find some of your biggest blessings amongst your greatest trials.